Scary Xmovie
by PyroManaic
Summary: A parody of parody, literally. What would it be like if Scary Movie was played by the x-men? Read this to find out. Warning, you will be entering a story written by my demented mind it is not my fault if you go crazy!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:

I used to own x-men evolution but I lost it in a bet.

Note: No popcorn was hurt in this fic, Jean was killed but the popcorn wasn't I gave it a good home .:rubs tummy:.

PYRO MANAIC presents

(you can hear critics complaining then you can a chain saw starting up and screaming)

There is a view of a large house with big windows several smashed, giant holes through the walls and a burning tree in the background. All is normal at the…

Brother Hood House, or is it?

Jean Grey aka. no code name walks in the kitchen of the Brother Hood House, the cupboards falling apart and a stature of Mystique in the corner (mystique is actually in the flesh later on in this fic). The phone starts to ring:

You come and go, you come and go,

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma, chameleon,

You come and go, you come and go 

Jean starts singing to the tune.

Phone: Pick up the phone, bitch!

Jean: Hello?

Voice: What took so damn long?

Jean: I was busy

Voice: Sure you were, care to have a little fun?

Jean: Who are you?

Voice: You tell me your name I'll tell you mine, yo.

While Jean was on the phone she wasn't paying attention to where she was walking and walked straight into a broken cupboard on the ground. She trips and drops the phone.

Voice: Hello?

Jean: I'm back

Voice: What happened?

Jean: I just tripped over a broken cupboard, stupid Brother Hood House.

Voice: What the hell are you doing at my house!

Jean: What?

Voice: Nothing I didn't shout anything

Jean walks to the stove (pile of sticks on fire), she opens a bag of sweet, sweet popcorn and starts shaking it. You can hear several farts.

Voice: What's that noise?

Jean: Oh, I just farted.

Voice: Several times?

Jean: Yeah…

Voice on the phone: What you doing?

Jean: Making popcorn. I'm getting ready to read some fanfics.

Voice: What's your favourite scary fanfic?

Jean: Interview with the x-men (and the brotherhood and the acolytes)(**1**)

Voices: That's not a scary fanfic

Jean: It is how PyroManaic writes it.

Voice: You never told me your name, yo.

Jean: Jean, why?

Voice: I wanna know who I'm looking at.

Jean: What?

Voice: I wanna know who I'm looking at.

Jean: That's not what you said.

View of killer (yes the voice is the voice of the killer) looking at a woman's magazine, he's looking at the page worlds most ugliest women.

Voice: It is, and you are ugly. Do you dye your hair?

Jean: No, why would say that? (looks around all shifty eyed)

Voice: Do you have a boyfriend?

Jean: Yeah, why?

Voice: He dresses up like a little girl.

Jean: How did you know?

Voice: Turn on the patio lights. Wait, we have a patio?

Jean turns on the patio lights and Scott Summers is tied in chair and dressed in a extra small tutu with bunny ears on his head.

Scott: Jean! Help me!

Jean: He's not my boyfriend, I went out him a couple of time, using my telepathic powers! Mwuhahahahahaha!

Voice: Okay.

Jean turns off the patio lights and backs off.

Jean: What do you want?

Voice: To see what your insides like look, yo.

Jean: Then turn to page 28.

View of the killer.

Killer: Nice liver.

Jean smashes the phone to bits and walks around looking for the killer. (why she doesn't use her powers don't ask me)

View of the kitchen.

The popcorn is about 200 times bigger than its suppose to be and looks like it's about to explode! (remember no popcorn was ever hurt in this fanfic)

Back to Jean.

She grabs an inflatable baseball bat when she hears knocking at the door, the door falls over at such the tiny force.

Voices from the door: Knock, knock.

Jean: Who's there?

Jamie Clones: Trick or treat!

Before the Jamie Clones could finish, Jean starts slamming them with the inflatable baseball bat several times and then realizes that she's not hitting the killer.

Jamie Clone: You are trying to hit us with an INFLATABLE baseball bat, are you an idiot!

Other Jamie Clone: Ow.. I can't feel my legs!

Jean drops the bat and turns to find a talking table with several items lined up on it.

There is a banana, a knife, one of kitty's muffins, a hair brush, a gun and a mug.

Talking table: Take the muffin, take the muffin, take the muffin! C'mon it's heavy!

Jean picks up the mug instead and runs into the room with the TV.

Talking table: Bitch! I said the muffin! (but flicks off the rest of the stuff anyway and walks towards the Jamie Clones to steal their candy.)

Back to Jean.

Jean is in the room with the TV, where Fred is watching a badly disguised Power Puff TV programme. She walks around the room slowly and sees the killer.

View of the killer in the same room as Jean is in, holding a butter knife and wiggling it in the air.

Jean runs outside but trips over Scott and lands face first in an old pizza box.

Jean: Scott, help me!

Scott: Why should I you didn't help me.

The killer comes out and chases Jean across the garden grabbing her clothes but they kept ripping off, after the 46th piece of clothing Jean is now butt naked.

Killer: My eyes, yo!

As she's running the sprinklers turn on, Jean is seen running through them trying and I mean 'trying' but failing to act sexy. As she's running her red dye comes out of hair leaving her with her natural grey hair. (**2**)

The killer jumps in front of Jean and screams (bloody loud too) so he cuts off her arm. (**3**)

Jean is still alive even though one her arms have been torn off.

View of a car coming down the road towards the house.

Inside of the car.

Rahne has her head in Duncan's crotch area and he has his eyes closed. (**4**)

View of Jean running.

She runs right in front of Duncan's car.

Jean: Duncan, I can't believe your cheating on with Rahne, especially with her in dog form!

Duncan notices Jean and pushes harder on the acceleration hitting her and forcing to fly up in the air do a star shape and full flat on her face.

Rahne: What was that?

Duncan: Nothing

They then get back to business. (**4**)

View of Jean on the road.

The killer walks up to Jean and raises his butter knife…

One of my fanfics, remember to read and review it! ;)

Her last name is grey and so is her hair.

Randomness

Trying to keep it pg-13 so use your imagination or watch the movie.

Review me if you liked it, or review me if you didn't like and tell whats wrong!

PyroManaic


	2. Title card & Characters

**SCARY XMOVIE**

(title card)

* * *

Welcome, you are now reading a new story done by **PyroManaic** yes I'm writing another story.

Warning: This story will contain bad language, sex (not very detailed as I'm trying to keep it Pg-13) and absolutecrazyiness and wackiness.

Characters:

Cindy Campbell Kitty Pryde

Ray Wilkins Remy LeBeau

Shorty Meeks St.John

Bobby Prinze Lance Alvars

Buffy Gilmore Tabitha Smith

Brenda Meeks Rogue

Gail Hailstorm Storm

Greg Ray Crisp

Deputy Doofy Gilmore/Ghost Face Todd Tonkenly

Drew Decker Jean Grey

The Sheriff Logan

Principal Squiggy Principal Kelly

Not Drew's Boyfriend Scott Summers

Ms. Man Logan

Drew's Boyfriend Duncan

Trick or Treater #1 Jamie Clone

Trick or Treater #2 Jamie Clone

Killer?

Read it. Review it. Love it.


	3. Squeamish

Hello everyone how are you? I'm bored shitless. Sorry about the language but I cannot tell a lie I can tell several! I am very, very, very, very, very sorry for such the long update, it's been almost a month! I'M SO SORRY!

**To my lovely reviewers:**

A Cute But Psycho Bunny 

**Or to Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude you've got two accounts! Hope you see Scary Movie soon! WHO TOLD YOU TOAD'S THE KILLER? Well I just did but that's not the point, you must be a very good detective or it is painfully obvious (what gave him away?) Thanks for the review and keep writing that parody!**

Chica De Los Ojos Cafe 

**What do you mean was that it? That was a very important chapter! Okay, okay I was bored so I put that up. Thanks for reading and reviewing and I want you to get another chapter soon on The Bella and The Flirt!**

Jinxeh 

**I know people are really stupid in horror films aren't they? You shout at them saying 'Don't go in there don't go in there!' and guess what? They go in there! Thanks for the warning won't do that again. Thanks!**

Riderazzo 

**What the very first chapter? Chapter 1? Coz that's the first victim of the killer that starts off the murders. And if you mean chapter 2 that's an important chapter as well! Thanks for reading and reviewing hope I answered your question.**

Telepathic Angel 

**Yes my words were stunning weren't they? Thanks for the review and it's not the end coz you've got this chapter and others to come!**

**Now onto the parody!**

Squeamish 

View of Kitty's face which is about one inch away from her laptop's screen, tapping away really, really fast that the keys were beginning to burn. She was complaining how the mansion is always over crowded and can never get any privacy AGAIN!

She hears a strange tap signal at her window. It went like this:

Tap, tap, tap. (weird huh?)

She walks towards the window and opens the bright pink curtains. Her boyfriend Lance pops up and she screams, he screams and falls backwards landing into a bush of thorns.

"OWWWW!"

"What are you like, doing here?" She shouts down to him. There is gentle knock at door and what strangely sounded like several head butts as well.

Lance quickly climbs back into her room pulling sharp needle like thorns out of himself.

"Let me in! Let me in!" Beast calls.

"Not by the hair- I mean like, wait for just a sec!"

"Sec's gone!"

"WAIT!" Kitty roars through the door. Hank cowers suddenly very afraid.

Back in the room, Lance dives into Rogue's wardrobe (it was very dark).

Hank sticks his head through the door hoping Kitty had calmed down but the door, was the evil living DOOR! And slammed shut on Mr. McCoy's head.

"Kitty Help! The evil living TOILET- I mean the evil living DOOR is crushing my head! AGAIN!" He screams.

Kitty slaps the door and scolds the door for crushing her daddy's (yes Hank's Kitty's father, poor dude) daddy's head and his hairdo. (is it me of is that hairdo just freaky? Must use a lot of hairspray or he never brushes his hair after waking up)

"Like what's up?"

"I thought I heard two girls scream in?" Lance just frowned at this not much he could do being crushed by Kitty's many pairs of shoes.

"No dad, no one's here especially Lance hiding in Rogue's wardrobe" She smiled sheepishly.

"Alright then. Oh, by the way, tomorrow I want you to check the coffee pot. Never know what the BrotherHood might put in there, Okay?" Hank asks making it clear remembering last time they drugged the coffee. Terrible memories.

"OK, dad" She might of shuddered saying that, but Hank just like a big blue teddy bear.

"See ya later alligator!" Hanks turns round to leave.

"In a while crocodile!" Kitty replies and turns around, LockHeed pops up from around Rogue's wardrobe door.

"Hello, I'm a horny lil' fella!"

"I like, wouldn't hold him like that" Kitty warns.

"Why?" LockHeed suddenly springs into life and snaps his jaws shut on Lance's hand.

"HELP!" Lance screamed as he ran around Kitty's room. He began whacking his hand (the one with LockHeed attached) on Kitty's dressing table causing LockHeed to get a big headache.

"Be careful of the little angel!"

"This 'little angel' is gonna bite my hand off soon!" Lance finally tears LockHeed from his hand leaving two deep little teeth marks.

LockHeed then swipes at Lance's leg with his sharp little claws.

"Ouch! Why you little-" Lance yells as he takes a dive for Lockheed but was off about a couple of (10) feet. Lockheed took this chance and put Lance's hair on fire.

"Ahhhh!" Lance began running around in circles catching everything else on fire at the same time. "Lance! Stop, drop and like, roll!" Lance drops down on the ground, hard. -Downstairs- 

Hank is sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper called 'Mutant Menace' with the BrotherHood on the front. He looks up from his paper after hearing loud thump.

"Nah, its not Lance on fire rolling around in Kitty's bedroom"

He carries on reading.

-Back to Kitty's Bedroom that's on fire (shame Pyro don't live there)-

Kitty tried blowing it out with her hands and mouth but it only got the flames bigger.

"Oh My God What are we like, gonna do?"

Rogue walks into the room and sees that her precious gothic stuff was on fire.

"Kitty! Ah'm gonna kill ya!" Rogue was about to pounce on Kitty and make her eat one of her own muffins or at least strangle her to death but the spreading flames hissed at her forcing her back.

"Back off! Or Ah'll call Pyro!" The fire backed down straight away and ran well burnt its way down the hall and burnt through Evan's bedroom door and began burning everything that Evan ever owned instead.

"ROGUE! Remy's got your under garments!" (aka underwear)

"Stormy! Y' said y' wouldn't tell!" Remy whined.

"Ah'll be back" Rogue threatened.

"Close call" Lance sighed in relief.

"What are you doing here?" Kitty questioned.

"It occurred to me that I've never snuck through your window before" Lance innocently replied.

"But you snuck through my window like, 5 times yesterday!" Kitty exclaimed.

"Well yeah I guess… Do you want to umm…"

"To do a little on top of the clothes stuff?" Kitty finished.

"umm… yeah"

"Sure! Just remember…" Kitty warned.

"I know, I can only dream of breaking your underwear rule" He said, disappointedly (can't believe that's a word)

They lay down on the bed with Lance laying on top of Kitty, literally.

"Lance your like, crushing me!" Kitty gasped, Lance quickly moves himself.

While they're kissing a man appears at the window. It is Bobby (from Scary Movie not Iceman)

"Oh great, PyroManaic replaced with some ugly freak!" Kitty and Lance looked up to him, Lance glared.

"Hey Cindy! She replaced you as well!" (Cindy another character from Scary Movie)

"Oh My God! She replaced me, I'm gonna kill her!"

"No you ain't" PyroManaic (that's me the authoress) disagreed.

"Yeah I am"

"No you not, Wolvie, Sabes!" Sabertooth and Wolverine appear.

"C'mon girley" Sabertooth grabs hold of Cindy and drags her away as she struggles and screams, Wolverine did the same with Bobby (not Iceman).

There's yelling outside Kitty's bedroom door.

"Chere! Can Remy 'ave y'r thong back?" Remy's begging voice can be heard.

"Go away Swamp Rat!"

"C'mon you've like, got to go!" Kitty shoves Lance out the window. As Lance was falling he screamed:

"Not the thorn bush again!"

Rogue enters the room and slams the door on Remy's handsome and charming face.

"Why are ya lookin' so happy?" Rogue asked Kitty.

"Like, nothing"

"Coz Ah'm still gonna kill ya!"

Sorry again for the long update! Next chapter will be soon!

Read it. Review it. Love it.


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